healing/returning

so im nervous as shit to go back to the district.

i’m scared i dont believe my own story enough to believe that it is ok. to stop, rest, reflect, look around at your tools and see which ones are dented or broken and what parts need more attention to heal before you can keep building.

i’m terrified i dont believe in myself enough to know that this struggle is long and i am fighting now and will always be fighting, that my commitments are unwavering even if my feet are faltering sometimes.

the words for what i want and need have never come easily. now they seem to have gone into hiding as i put up a big old bandaid over broken insides and prepare to go back, to try and tell my story and hope that the people i love understand.

i ask for patience, with myself and from others, and understanding for the many forms of struggle. i want to have those conversations that break open, i want my healing to allow other people to talk to me about how they are healing. i want so much from this trip because i believe there is so much left to fight for.