i’ll be about it.

Giving thanks.

My day was kind of raw and hard. I just feel kind of sad and tired that yelling and hatred do not surprise me in my own home.

It does shock me, in the sense that I feel frozen and numb, and like I want to sink down into my roots and remember why I am here.

I talked to Emil about writing a phrase, something that would remind me of what that is, so when I wake up I know that the daily struggles here are a part of the bigger struggle, to not feel alone and to also feel patience. That this is a long road and I’m so happy to be on it, to know that it stretches on further than I can see.

So I guess what I’d write on my forehead/ceiling/hand/stick note these days would be something like this… “Every choice is a step in the struggle.” Each time you don’t pick up a cigarette, eat something healthy, help someone out or take a minute to actually hear/listen, is just as valuable as the time you spend planning, on the phone, in meetings, because each choice prepares you for those moments. Each choice gives you strength or information or a little more belief in yourself and in other people. Every time you can respond to anger or hurt or a threat with your heart, remember that it is as much what we do as how we do it.

I also like to remember that the phrase adelante, or forward, never says your path will be straight, or clear, and definitely not narrow. I am so grateful for this kind of learning, and I have a lot of people to thank for it.

Kara, Emil, Shelley, my housemates, Stout the dog and her endless patience, Taiga who always always speaks from her heart and pushes me to do the same.

What I want to be a done deal is still a process and what you can’t hurry is special and valuable and also in some strange way feels like it hurts because I have to actually look at parts of myself that need healing that haven’t been tended to in a long time, because I have now grown out of the survival stage into the growth stage and it involves bumping up next to others and roots intertwining and pain when those roots rip out or little tendrils break but how else do you grow but by reaching out and trying?

I am grateful to the people in my life who are reminding me that my actions mean so much more than my words, through their patience and warmth they show me the impact of my actions…because I am no longer some drowning person flailing about, I can finally see it. Thank you all for reminding me to be present and intentional with my time, living my values in the way I give my time to people and projects. I am figuring out how to show people that I love them. And I feel so so lucky. And also scared and it makes every moment like this exciting growing moment, if you pay attention to it.